He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
