Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
