After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
