my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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