I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
