I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
