I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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