I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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