why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
