Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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