So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
