I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
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he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
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We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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