i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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