I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
