I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
