u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
