this beer tastes like vomit already
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
