he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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