While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
