if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
