You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
