in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
