I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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