Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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