first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
