I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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