Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
