I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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