I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
