He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
