Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
COCAINE IS GR8
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
