im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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