Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
