So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
