Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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