I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
