i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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