Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
