The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
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He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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