Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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