Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
