i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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