I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
