Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
