what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
