I accidentally had phone sex last night
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
