Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
