clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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