The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Randomize
