Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Be still, my beating vagina.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
