the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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