Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
