well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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