My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
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he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
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Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.