I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My ATM looks so different sober.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.