Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.