it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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