i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Can you bring me the toilet please
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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