dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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