that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
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It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
the raccoons are back...
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