girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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